rating every Hades character by how smoochable they are

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there are far more characters than I anticipated but I’m gonna smooch them all
#hades #supergiantgames

Here’s all of the animatics I mentioned, you should check them out!
@SleepyPigeonn https://youtu.be/tBHng_e0cGw?si=d6jzuhm8ZPhrtOh-
@EmptyFeet (AKA ToastyGlow) https://youtu.be/pMb_KC4Cd4w?si=HNoIPLONHsbRPX8r
@nealillustrator https://youtu.be/8tjkA8mUgF0?si=0qqhOI9P3Ak8iYd3
@EmptyFeet (AKA ToastyGlow) https://youtu.be/ZMka7PgrGe0?si=okbK9WGrwPWjSbbC

*I didn’t talk about this one but it is my favorite video :D* @kirschadehttps://youtu.be/eBGJXVfDQGo?si=Y_J77yiVkQPVwb9J

Taking a train to Boon Town:
00:00 Welcome to Hell, happy to have you
04:11 Zagreus – Short King
07:40 Nyx – Gothic Mother
10:05 Chaos – Primordial Goop God
12:53 Megara – Buff Lady (fun)
15:10 Alecto – Buff Lady (not fun)
15:58 Tsiphone – Hooked on Phonics
17:20 Thanatos – Hot Topic Employee
19:18 Hypnos – The Littlest of Guys
22:42 Charon – Stinky Boat Man
24:05 Hades – He’s Your Dad (boogie woogie woogie)
25:35 Persephone – Cottagecore MILF
26:55 Demeter – Ice Queen
28:50 Dionysus – Certified Himbo
30:35 A WORD ON CONSENT
32:02 Hermes – Sonic the Hordgeheg
34:01 Ares – Feminist Icon
36:04 Aphrodite – Our Ghost Writer
37:56 Artemis – Too Good for You
40:13 Athena – Political Activist
42:12 Poseidon – The Fun Uncle
44:27 Zeus – The Not Fun Uncle
45:25 Sisyphus – Loves to Rock
47:12 Bouldy – A Rock that Loves
48:00 Cerberus – Big Dog Energy
50:42 Orhpeus – Chronic Sad Man
52:36 Euridice – Best Chef in Hell
53:56 Skelly – Bone Man
55:16 Dusa – Anxiety the Person
56:35 Achilles – Ideal Gay Dad
58:24 Patroclus – Gay Dad’s Lifelong Roommate
1:00:33 Aesterius – I Love Cows
1:01:46 Theseus – I Hate Him
1:02:40 Lernie – So Much Bone
1:03:56 Bonus Round – THE SHADES
1:06:34 Hades 2: Electric Boogaloo
1:09:05 In Conclusion

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30 thoughts on “rating every Hades character by how smoochable they are”

  8. another con for Persephone that only applies to me is that she looks almost exactly like my mom, only difference is that my mom has very short hair and is not the goddess of spring (unless she is and i haven't been told)

    Edit: ALSO! Dusa is canonically asexual!!

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  9. Zag is equally bisexual regardless of whether you pick Meg or Than (or both). I don't consider Meg the "less gay choice" (especially since I'm a bi woman and gunned to romance her first because I wanted to smooch her).

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  13. I think Hypnos would probably give the best comfort hugs because he could wrap you up in that fluffy cloak/coat/quilt thing he has on him 24/7. I could see him just wrapping the both of you in it to hug you. Personally, I think that outweighs any crimes he may or may not have committed.
    If you couldn't tell I love the lil' guy he's why I played the game-

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  14. I'm going to be completely blunt, another con on Orpheus's part: he looks like an emo clown. Keeping in mind I've never played the game before, never seen the art. But if someone looking like an emo clown is the first thought, that's a con.

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  15. Personal ratings:

    Zag, 8/10: cool dude all round, reminds me of myself if i was a cool dude and not an idiot.

    Nyx, 8/10: a bit scary but she seems nice. Does have previous relationships, but seems like she has her life together.

    Chaos, 7/10: even scarier, i like the aesthetic though. He probably has many cool stories to share with me, great since i'm a knowlage hog.

    Meg, 6/10: not really my type but not bad by any means. I will have to ask her to put the whip down and i'm unsure she'd okay with that.

    Alecto, 3/10: she is definately not gonna put the whip down.

    Tsiphone, 4/10: less agressive than alecto, but seems a bit more dehydrated, always remain hydrated.

    Thanotos, 7,5/10: reminds me too much of myself if i was cool. Hot, but i dont think i have anything new to offer in the dynamic.

    Hypnos, 8,5/10: love this dude, but he desperately needs some spinage. He can rid me of my sleep deprevation so thats a big plus.

    Charon, 6/10: not conventionally attractive, but he seems like someone to respect your time and wants.

    Hades, 5/10: would need to approach me bc i would be far too scared. He is however, very loyal and that's a quality i value greatly.

    Persephone, 7/10: overal very nice but im not sure i can provide anything she would want out of a partner.

    Demeter, 6/10: a bit old looking but she seems confident, not sure if i would like her daughter to look older than me tho.

    Dionysus, 4/10: i'm not sure if i could maintian longterm with him but i would be down for a dinner when he's finally sobered up. I dont drink however, so thats gonna doc some points.

    Hermes, 7.5/10: seems like he doesnt have much free time, but his personality seems charming. Definately gonna need to be a stay at home.

    Ares: 9/10: respects women, cant say that for most of these mf's, also he's a big, tall powerbottom which i can relate to.

    Aphrodite, 8/10: not a guarantee that i survive a night with her, but i reckon its worth the risk to some degree.

    Artemis 10/10: if dating was a videogame i would be playing bloodborne, luckily, i am a masochist.
    I have this profiel picture for a reason.

    Athena, 4/10: also very hard to get, but i only think about this character to a heathy degree so she isnt gonna make it higher up than this.

    Poseidon, 5/10: a zeus wannabe so thats not well on the concent front, but he seems redeemable to some point so i cant put him lower in good faith.

    Zeus 2/10: i'm not hot so im probably not on the victim list, but im not comfortable being with anyone with a list like that. "AND THEN ALONG CAME ZEUS" is a meme for a good reason.

    Sisyphus, 8/10: big doofus with a cool rock, whay more could you want.

    Orpheus, 6/10: i like the music but i dont think i could be good enough at it to impress him.

    Euridice, 9/10: shes made from wood sure, but otherwise she's basically perfect so im not mad about it.

    Skelly, 3/10: do not trust him, dont know why, but i dont.

    Dusa, 9/10: just a senient head, still somehow acts more responsably than anyone i know. I dont think a single person dislikes this goober, and if there is, there wont be when im done with em.

    Achilles, 7/10: he's nice and seems loyal, no big negatives but im not into his vibe for some reason.

    Patroclus, 6/10: achillies, but sad, no notes.

    Theseus, 3/10: not hopeless but i dont think fixing him is worth the effort.

    Supportive shade, 100000/10: THATS WHY HES THE GOAT! THE GOAT!!!

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  22. So, like, I'm a furry, right. So I gotta say on Cerberus, um, that is a dog. And this isn't a Scooby Doo situation Cerberus is not a super smart dog, or a talking dog, or an anthropomorphic dog; he is a three headed dumb of ass good boy of great size. And this means he cannot consent. I mean if Cerberus decides today that you are going to be licked I don't think you get to say no – again very large – but ethically you should not ever be trying to smooch him. 0/10 for the good boy on smoochability I would say.

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  30. I concur with your closing thoughts – like, I wouldn't with any of them, personally, but objectively they're pretty much all hot and should be smooched by those into that.

    … Also concur with the Dionysus exception, because COME ON 😳

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